The more you run over a dead squirrel, the flatter it gets.

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.

Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

All things being equal, fat people use more soap.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.

I have seen the truth and it doesn’t make as much sense as you think.

Two carpenters are hammering nails into the side of a house, and one asks the other why he is examining each nail as he takes it out of the box and throwing half of them away. “They’re defective,” replies the second carpenter, holding one up. “The pointy end is facing the wrong way.” “You fool! Those are for the other side of the house!”

You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.