To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln-

Support the Math Illiteracy Tax: buy lottery tickets!

An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts. -John Junor-

How can they tell? -Dorothy Parker (on being informed that Calvin Coolidge was dead)-

Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one. -George Bernard Shaw- Sorry, but I can’t make it to the opening night performance. Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one. -Winston Churchill-

(Female interviewer:) Don’t you think it’s irresponsible to teach shooting to young boys? You’re equipping them to become violent killers. (Reply:) Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? -General Cosgrove (probably fictional)-

Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk. -Bessie Braddock- Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly. -Winston Churchill-

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you’re wrong, admit it; Whenever you’re right, shut up. -Ogden Nash-

Civil War: Why didn’t you whip the Confederates in sixty days, as you said you would? -British man- Because we found we had Americans to fight this time, not Englishmen. -Henry Ward Beecher-