To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

A lady walked up and said to Calvin Coolidge “I’ve bet my husband I can make you say 3 words this evening” to which he replied “You lose”.

Support the Math Illiteracy Tax: buy lottery tickets!

A M00se once bit my sister … Mynd you, m00se bites Kan be pretty nasti … -Monty Python-

If I had two faces, do you think I’d be wearing this one? -Abraham Lincoln-

An ounce of emotion is equal to a ton of facts. -John Junor-

(Female interviewer:) Don’t you think it’s irresponsible to teach shooting to young boys? You’re equipping them to become violent killers. (Reply:) Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? -General Cosgrove (probably fictional)-

How can they tell? -Dorothy Parker (on being informed that Calvin Coolidge was dead)-

Here are two tickets to my new play. Bring a friend, if you have one. -George Bernard Shaw- Sorry, but I can’t make it to the opening night performance. Please send me tickets to the second performance, if there is one. -Winston Churchill-

Civil War: Why didn’t you whip the Confederates in sixty days, as you said you would? -British man- Because we found we had Americans to fight this time, not Englishmen. -Henry Ward Beecher-