Another tech problem? Have you tried turning it off and never touching it again? -Loretta, “The Lockhorns”-

I’ve never been held hostage, but I’ve been in a group text. -Leo Vogt-

If we are to have another contest in the near future of our national existence, I predict that the dividing line will not be Mason and Dixon’s but between patriotism and intelligence on the one side, and superstition, ambition and ignorance on the other. -Ulysses S. Grant-

What do you do when you want to talk to someone and they don’t answer the phone? -Linus Dial louder! -Lucy van Pelt, “Peantus”-

A little butt rub goes a long way. -The Beach Pit, St. George Island, Florida-

Indeed, what victory is there in planting a flag on a pile of rubble? -Pope Francis-

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don’t like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job. -Don Taylor-

For me, the mermaid myth lives. This is still sirenia, the siren. Only her song has changed. Once, she lured men of the sea to their destruction. Now she sounds a warning in a song of love. -Jacques Cousteau, “The Forgotten Mermaid”-

License plates on cars in heaven say “Almost West Virginia.”

West Virginia State Trooper, having pulled over a motorist driving erratically: You got any ID? Mountaineer motorist: ‘Bout whut?